In early March, I mentioned a sermon about habits becoming loves, and loves becoming idols., etc. Well, I got it wrong. The real quote goes like this:
Sow a thought and you will reap word. Sow a word and you will reap an action. Sow an action and you will reap a habit...reap a character...reap a destiny...reap eternity (Desiderius Gerhard Erasmus).
Another take on this quote is that our thoughts reap words, our words reap actions, our actions reap habits and our habits REVEAL our addictions. From here our addictions REVEAL our loves and our loves REVEAL our idols.
My head spun around trying to make sense of these ideas for over a month, and the end result was a 7 page paper entitled, The Heart of the Family. I'd like to share it with you all, and get your feedback. Don't worry, I'll only post short excerpts at a time. :)
All of this writing came about because of my heartbreak. I cringe when I hear of situations where the family unit is not cherished or upheld, and is replaced by a shallow reflection of God's intention for the family. Unwed, teenage mothers are celebrating their 'new additions' while committed, stable couples are being criticized for 'irresponsibility' when they choose to be fruitful and multiply. A marriage covenant is binding only until one or another doesn't 'feel the love' anymore. And mothers everywhere, and in every walk of life, are pressured to 'do something' with their life instead of being supported to stay at home and raise the children they either 'celebrated' or 'irresponsibly' created.
I have come to the conclusion that the 'heart of the matter is a matter of the heart' (Pastor Jason, TPC). The heart of the family has been attacked, damaged, and trampled. Recovery is all a matter of the heart. It is my hope and prayer that we can somehow turn people's hearts back home. For as The Message puts it:
You're blessed when you get your inside world - your mind and heart - put right. Then you can see God in the outside world (Matthew 5:8).
Delight yourself in the LORD ; And He will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalm 37:4
I have wanted to learn to play piano for years. We had one small problem: no piano. Well next week, Sam and I both will have our very first piano lesson...on our very own piano!! Yippeeeeee.
I was marveling the other day at how many words it takes to adequately describe a 5 second thought. In my case, it usually takes about a page and a half.
A good friend (yes, you Kim) just sent me a note of encouragement direct from God. I am still blown away at this marvel. Just this morning and most of the early afternoon, I've been second guessing my convictions about a project He's started me on (more to come on that subject later), and along comes this word:
For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them (Ephesians 2:10)
Now there there are two ways in which these words perfectly speak to my doubt.
1. God has asked me to write. Not just in this blog...although in a way I think this is part of the bigger plan as well. But to write about my convictions regarding the state of the family in today's world and how we (as Christians) might go about changing it. These words from Ephesians are an encouragement that the work set before me (to write about the family) is indeed God's work prepared beforehand so that I would walk in them. Now to figure out what 'walk in them' means?
2. Kim also passed along a commentary regarding this scripture:
"The word translated 'workmanship,' poiema, indicates that we are His poem, His masterpiece. Each of our lives is the canvas on which the Master is producing a work of art that will fill the everlasting ages with His praise." It is God who created us and takes responsibility for our lives; therefore as His child, we can trust Him to lead us.
Kim sent this to me because she knows I am struggling to learn what it means to whole heartedly trust the Lord. Because I am His child; because I am like a work of art - a poem delicately composed and intricately arranged - I can know He created me with passion and an investment of time. I was not an afterthought, a hurriedly scribbled down mess of notes, or something thrown together in the last hour. I am a masterpiece. His greatest work. How can I not trust Him to take care of the workmanship of His very own hands?
What Kim didn't know is that I'm sitting here trying to put together my journey of trust with my new-found mission to write about the state of the family. And this commentary put it together. I am learning to trust God and I am writing about it in this blog. Maybe my writing assignment (on the family) is to be permanent reminder of how God lead and guided me through the process. Maybe the completion of this 'good work' will be a testimony to how I learned to trust God and really believe His words apply to me. Maybe it will only be a means to make me an 'exact man' (quote from Sir Francis Bacon: Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an exact man). But it is my desire that somehow, someway, it would also bring glory to God and others closer to Him.
If you haven't taken the time to read the Chronicles of Narnia, I highly suggest you do so. We have been listening to the entire series in the car on audio CD (from Focus on the Family Radio Theatre - They're wonderful!!).
Anyway, a few weeks ago we were listening to the fifth book in the series called The Dawn Treader. This story tells of a ship of the same name and the adventures of the crew - one of whom is a 'beastly' little boy named Eustace. Along the way Eustace falls into some magic that turns him into a dragon, and spends the greater part of the book trying to figure out how be 'undone'.
This is where Eustace and I intersect. Earlier in the year, I shared my experience at a retreat that urged me to remove the 'mask' that I wear around most of the people in my life. The short of the story is that I was/am afraid to totally trust God not only to take it off, but to live without it. In The Dawn Treader, Eustace experiences the removal of his dragon 'mask' by the very hand of God. I so wish I could just put an .mp3 file here with the audio content...but since I can't I'll type it out for you.
...the lion told me I must undress first. Mind you, I don't know if he said anywords out loud or not. "I was just going to say that I couldn't undress because I hadn't any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snaky sort of things and snakes can cast their skins. Oh, of course, though I, that's what the lion mean. So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully...In a minute or two I just stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling. So I started to go down into the well for my bathe. "But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they just were all hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as they had been before....So I scratched and tore again and this under skin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe. "Well, exactly the same thing happened again (and again)...Then the lion said...'You will have to let me undress you.' I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it. "The very first tear that He made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off... "Well he peeled the beastly stuff right off - just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt - and there it was lying on the grass: only ever ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the other had been..."
There you go. I may try to remove the mask myself, and it may even seem like I've achieved some success at it, but the real mask is still underneath. God himself will have to remove it. And it will hurt - a lot. It will pierce the very heart of my grip on it. But the beastly stuff will lay there on the grass some day. Looking thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking that anything I was able to scratch off.
I was nearly in tears driving down the road that day. My children had no idea, but my Father knew the very reason why I was crying. He had touched my heart.
So last week I wrote that God was talking to me, going before me and guiding me.But what I realized is that I haven’t shared much of that movement.I’m here today to start filling in the gaps.
Last May I read the book, The Shack by Wm. Paul Young.I really enjoyed it, but for some spontaneous reason last week, I got the feeling that I never really finished reading it and I should do so now.I flipped the book open near the end and landed in chapter 14 – Verbs and other Freedoms.The subtitle of this chapter is, “God is a Verb.”He started moving.
The main character, Mack, is conversing with God and asking questions such as, “How come I am not able to tell when you’re around?”God answers, “For you to know or not has nothing at all to do with whether I am actually here or not….You will learn to hear my thoughts in yours…you will better begin to recognize my voice as we continue to grow our relationship” (p196).These are the words I needed to hear.He was talking to me.He was talking to me.
A few pages later, Mack asks another question.“Why do you love me, when I have nothing to offer you?” (p200).And here comes the beginning of “God is a Verb.”
“It should be very freeing to know that you can offer us (the Triune God) nothing, at least not anything that can add or take away from who we are…That should alleviate any pressure to perform.”
This conversation pursues Mack’s concern over what God expects of him after his encounter with God in the The Shack is over, and God rebukes Mack with these words, “when I hear language abused in favor of rules over sharing life with us, it is difficult for me to remain silent.”The abuse was the word ‘expectations.’Mack was being admonished because he was looking for rules to live by ( God’s expectations) and not reveling in the freedom of living in Christ.God continues…
“Those who are afraid of freedom are those who cannot trust us to live in them.Trying to keep the law is actually a declaration of independence, a way of keeping control.”
Trust.There it was again.My trust issues (even with God) were being exposed as issues of false expectations and the desire to follow rules.In the margin of the book I wrote, “kind of like social expectations and my need for an orderly house.”
The conversation continued.“Enforcing rules, especially in its more subtle expression like responsibility and expectation, are a vain attempt to create certainty out of uncertainty….I will take a verb over a noun anytime.”
Huh?What do verbs and nouns have to do with all of this?Well, if you look at the word expectation (a noun) and turn it into a verb it becomes expectancy.If you look at responsibility (a noun) and turn it into a verb, it becomes to respond.God is a verb.He is, He was, and He always will be.God is the great I AM.Nouns, on the other hand, “exist because there is a created universe and physical reality, but if the universe is only a mass of nouns, it is dead.Unless I AM [really is], there are no verbs, and verbs are what makes the universe alive” (p204).
God is asking me to live by expectancy (the verb) and not live by striving to meet expectations (the noun).He is asking me to respond to His love; to live in freedom (to live under grace).He is not asking me to live under the yoke of responsibility (the law…which sometimes I even expand upon and create new laws in my own house!).Can I live in that kind of freedom?Can I trust Him to go before me, and to guide me in expectancy and response?Can I trust Him to go before me and guide me in removing this protective ‘steel door’ mask that I’ve been hiding under for so many years?I have to.For “the degree that [I] resort to expectations and responsibilities, to that degree [I] neither know [God] or trust [Him].And to that degree…[I] live in fear.” (p206).I don’t want to live in fear.I want to trust.Lord help me trust.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.In all your waysacknowledge Him, and He will make your pathsstraight.– Proverbs 3:5-6
A little over one month ago I wrote about attending a woman's retreat. There God was encouraging me to remove my 'steel door' mask and trust Him. Trust Him. There's the rub. Then I was not sure I could trust Him. All I could do was cry out, "Help me trust You." And He lead me to Exodus 15:13
With your unfailing love you lead the people you have redeemed. In you might, you guide them in your sacred home.
I prayed, "Lord, lead me. Guide me. Let me hold on to your hand." And He replied, "Child, you are already in both of my hands."
I was learning to trust.
So today in my one-year Bible I'm in the book of Deuteronomy (1:31-33). Moses is making his final speech to the people of Israel before they take over the promised land:
You saw how the Lord you God cared for you all along the way as you traveled through the wilderness, just as a father cares for his child. Now he has brought you to this place. But even after all he did, you refused to trust the Lord your God, who goes before you...guiding you..."
It struck me. After all he is showing me - all these blog posting proving that He is talking to me, going before me and guiding me - will I be like the Israelites? Will I still be unable, or should I say unwilling, to trust the Lord my God?
I know trust is my issue. Lord, I believe you go before me and guide me. Help my unbelief.
I am musing through a sermon given a few weeks ago. Pastor Todd spoke about how our addictions, when added to our habits become loves, becoming idols. And in another direction, our addictions, plus our habits, form our character, form our destiny, form our eternity. My head is still spinning on this one. More thought to come...
In the mean time, I thought I would share a few fruits of my addiction to photography when added to my habit of spending vast amounts of time with my four precious children. Enjoy!
Just a thought I had while listening to the following lyrics:
Don’t let your eyes get used to darkness the light is coming soon.
I don't like to go to sleep in the dark. Pitch black kind of scares me. So I purposely leave a light on in the bathroom with the door partially closed. My husband, on the other hand, can SEE the tiny red flashing light blinking from the telephone stand (which is on MY side of the bed) through closed eyelids!
All this to say, isn't it strange? How light affects us? What the Light of our world does to us? For some, it is reassurance. For others, it is an annoyance. This is not to say that my wonderful, God-fearing husband is annoyed by the Light of the World. Goodness not! Just that light, in it's very essence, has such a profound effect on us. Hmmmm.
So does darkness. After a while, we can 'see' in the dark too. We think that we can pretty much make out the dark world around us. But as soon as the light shines, we realize how blind we really were in the dark. Isn't it amazing how God sets up this world to reflect Him in so many ways?
"Is it too much for Me to arrange an entire retreat just for you?"
My dear friend Gigi had a hard time retelling me these words, for God had just spoken to her in that still small voice. We were at the retreat I spoke of earlier and I had seen her walk away quickly during a time of prayer and worship. These words were the reason she walked away.
I got to thinking. Does God really use another person's life for the full benefit of a third? Can God really orchestrate an entire retreat just for Gigi? And the answer is YES! While at the same time orchestrating the entire retreat just for Lisa, and just for Meredith, and just for Beth, and just for Tracey. He's amazing that way.
The retreat wasn't the only thing He arranged just for me. I believe with all my heart, that God not only arranged the retreat, but also arranged an entire CD just for my ears. I'm not kidding. Every single song on the CD I had just 'discovered' by JJ Heller was written just for me. Let me explain:
Scenario #1: I had to do a skit in front of the entire retreat body (see picture)...I didn't want to. What would they think of me. What if I messed it up and it wasn't funny? What if...what if....
"you make my life worth living you make me want to start giving more and more away to you it's not mine anyway" (Not Mine Anyway, JJ Heller)
He makes my life worth living. He makes me want to start giving, more and more away to Him. These acting skills are not mine anyway.
Scenario #2: The retreat had me face to face with a heart issue that I was afraid to face. I was not trusting God (more to come on that one), and I was afraid. If I had an inherent problem of trust, how could I trust to learn to trust more?! And just like a loving Father, He says to me...
"We could talk for hours It doesn't matter You don't hear a word I say Cause you don't listen when I speak So I'll sing to you instead
La la la la la I love you Oooh I really do If you ever paid attention I think you would love me too
You say you want to know me I get the feeling that you're telling me a lie Cause every time I talk about emotion You shake your pretty head and say goodbye
La la la la la I love you..." (You Would Love Me Too, JJ Heller)
Encouragement in one song. Reassurance in another. And 10 more messages of love on the same CD to boot! All from a loving Father who arranged an entire retreat and an entire CD just for me. And yet, I am afraid to trust Him. Dear Lord, help me remember who you ARE, and not who I am afraid you won't be.
So I ran across someone today who asked me if I'm a writer. Hmmm. A writer, no. That would imply that I actually write something down. And maybe even that someone else reads it. But it got me thinking. And I thought that the very few of you who read this blog may just qualify as 'someone else to read' the 'something that I write down.'
In light of that, I thought I would start writing down the little insights God grants me in my quiet time. I am a forgetful person. (Hey - if each child took 1/2 of my brain at child birth, then I'm only left with 1/16 of what I started with. It's not my fault.)
Anyway, I don't want to forget the little things that He brings my way. So I'm going to start writing. About Him. And I hope somehow, that in being the 'someone who reads it' you will also be blessed by His Words.
2-10-10 This weekend I had the opportunity to attend a woman's retreat. We were encouraged to take off the masks that we continually wear and lay them down at His feet. What mask, you ask? How about that one that makes everyone else think that you've got it all together. Or how about the one that says, "I don't need any help. I've got it." Or the one that helps you see all the mistakes another person is making in their life, and blinds you to any of your own. My particular mask was prophetically described as a steel door. One that lets very few people in and that would only be removed by melting, or refining...hmmm.
So I laid this at His feet. Not knowing how to begin to remove it, I cried out, "Help!" And then just sat down to read His Word. My one year bible has me in Exodus. The children of Israel have just crossed the Red Sea and are singing a song of deliverance on the other side:
"With your unfailing love you lead the people you have redeemed. In your might you guide them to your sacred home." (Ex 15:13)
"Lord," I prayed, "lead me; guide me. Let me hold your hand."
And God answered, "Child, you are IN both of my hands." Praise God!
p.s. That adorable little girl is my friend's daughter. I took the picture!!! So cool.
So I accepted the call - and I am now officially the Protestant Women of the Chapel (PWOC) Worship Leader for '09-'10. As a member of the board for PWOC, we have been asked to read Spiritual Leadership by Henry and Richard Blackaby. Yes, you read the name correctly. These are the very same authors of the book last Spring that lead me to say, "YES!" to the call in the first place. Hmmmmmm...
Anyway, these authors claim:
The key to spiritual leadership is to encourage followers to grow in their relationship with the Lord...[this relationship] can only be achieved when leaders bring their people face-to-face with God, and God convinces them that he is a God of love who can be trusted.
And I thought, "Isn't that just what worship is all about? Isn't worship a face-to-face experience with our Lord where we recognize the attributes of our God, and dwell in His presence? Isn't this where we will learn that God is a God of love who can be trusted?" Hmmmmmmmm...
Well, there I am. An inexperienced (i.e. NO experience) worship leader, speculating on just what it is I am supposed to do in this job, and here God is, placing the answer in my lap:
Bring His children into the Throne Room of Grace.
What do you do in the Throne Room of your King? In ancient times, people bowed before their king, worshiped at his feet pleading for mercy and good favor in order to ask for something. In present times, God's people bow before their King, worship at His feet in awe of the mercy and grace He has already bestowed upon them, and in that assurance can ask for anything, and it will be given to them.
"Entering into the Throne Room" seemed to be emerging as God's vision for leading worship. Hmmmm....
Enter in a side conversation with a friend. She informs me that PWOC International had picked a theme verse for the upcoming year. It was Psalm 45:6-9
Your throne, O God, is forever and ever; A scepter of righteousness is the sceptor of Your kingdom...
Who says God doesn't affirm His people?! He had given this same vision to others before me. It was all fitting into place. A call to the Throne Room of God. A call to come before the King and to be handed the sceptor of acceptance. A call to worship and dwell in the presence of our Lord, experience Him face-to-face, and learn that God is a God of love who can be trusted.
So this is my prayer. Will you pray with me that somehow, someway, this untrained voice can be used of God to bring the ladies of PWOC into His presence. To draw His beloved children into the Throne Room to worship Him, recognize His attributes and trust Him with their very lives?
When Sammy was little and Emilie was even littler (is that a word?), I had a day that exploded in a 'moment'. In that moment I made a sound that apparently sounded something like a lion roaring and my very literal and articulate 20 month old child said, "Mommy roar?"
It has been a long time since Mommy 'roared' but I still remember the emotion and sense of frustration that precipitated it. Today that emotion and frustration reared it's ugly head, and although I did not roar, I did have my 'moment.' It was the first day following a wonderful visit from Jeff's family pastor and his wife. (We miss you Brad and Kathy!) Needless to say, it was a tough transition day.
In the middle of it all, I was reminded of a sweet publication my best friend had sent me just days before. She typed it up following a Mommy 'moment' of her own, and I'm grateful that she was willing to share it with me. Now I'd like to share it with you.
Because of God's love, I can choose to be LOVING (1 Peter 1:22)
Because of God's gentleness and patience with me, I can choose to be PATIENT (Ephesians 4:2)
Because of God's mercy, I can choose to be MERCIFUL (James 2:12-13)
Because Jesus brings me peace, I can be PEACEFUL (John 14:27)
Because of the great joy of my salvation, I can choose to be JOYFUL (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
Through Christ, I can be QUICK to listen, SLOW to speak, and SLOW to become angry (James 1:19)
I can do ALL THINGS through Christ's strength in me! (Philippians 4:13)
May God bless you as you do all the things He's called you to do, through Christ's strength in you!
I Will Sing of the Mercies of the Lord Forever I Will Sing I Will Sing...
This could have been the banner over my head on Wednesday as I struggled with a decision to obey or not obey. Here is the background:
I am studying Experiencing God by Richard Blackaby in my Wednesday morning bible study. The study is all about knowing and doing the will of God and the unit for the week is 'Adjusting Your Life to God.'
I was also asked earlier that day to consider being a part of the small praise and worship team for this particular bible study group (please note the word, "small." Sometimes the 'team' is only 1 person strong!). And my immediate response to this was a whole lot of laughter and a very strong, "No Way!" I don't sing. Not that I don't love to sing. I just don't do it very well. Ask my husband. He has the unfortunate privilege of sitting next to me in church almost every Sunday.
So with this in mind, I headed to complete my study for the week and came across the following excerpt from the study:
Your whole life should be lived with the attitude of "Lord, whatever You may ask of me today or in the future, my answer is yes!"
Me: Really, Lord? You want me to sing? But I don't know how, and especially not as one of maybe 3 total people singing in front of others.
God: I told you we would be working on your idol of acceptance. Read on...
So I read on...
The adjustment requires moving from doing work for God according to your abilities, your gifts, your likes and dislikes, and your goals to being totally dependent on God, His working, and His resources. This is a major adjustment, and it is never easy to make.
Me: Oh how I am going to have to be totally dependent on You for this one
I read on...
Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am Your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10)
Me: Lord, You are going to have to do a whole lot more than strengthen me and help me. I may just run away.
God: "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint" (Isaiah 40:31)
Me: Ok. Ok. So I won't faint from fear, but what is the purpose of all of this? You told me when Jeff left that You know the plans you have for me (Jer 29:11). Plans to give me a purpose and a hope. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me.
God: To bring Me glory. Read some more...
The Christ who lived His life in complete obedience is fully present in you to enable you to know and do His will...He will never fail to lead your life into the middle of His purpose and enable you to do it.
Me: That's the ONLY way this will work. Are you going to replace my voice with yours?
God: I am going to give you the desire to do my will. (For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose - Phil 2:13).
After much laughter and a realization that I could run, but I couldn't hide, I finally said:
"OK. I will sing of the Mercies of the Lord forever. And I won't faint...right?"
This past week has been extremely difficult. We started out with three confirmed cases of Strep Throat (Sam, Emilie, Sarah), one case of Pink Eye (Jack) and one fungal infection (Sarah). Whew! That combined with Spring Break, and family quarrantine to stop the spread of germs, was enough to put me over the edge. Thursday I jumped...and fell deep in to the pit of self pity, despair, and frustration. Thankfully, God is a merciful God and sent many, many friends and much encouragement to rescue me. Here's a small part of the story:
I've been working through the Bible Study, Experiencing God by Henry & Richard Blackaby, and am currently in the chapter about seeking the Truth inthe circumstances of your life. The author asserts that, "You can not know the Truth of your circumstance until you have heard from God." So I asked. Here's how that conversation went:
Me: Lord, why? Why do we have to go through this deployement now?
God: I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly.
Me: What? How is this abundant?!
God: You will be changed and I will be glorified.
At this point, the only thing I could think of that would be God-glorifying was bringing Jeff back home safely. So God continued...
God: I love you enough to take you out of "danger."
(Aside) "Danger" is where we tell the children they have gone when they disobey. Through loving discipline, they are brough back to "protection."
Me: Really, God? Is this You talking? Or just me talking to me?
God: Only God can reveal spiritual truth. We are going to work on taking down your 'idols.'
Of course, I did remember at this point that I have asked God for this very thing. I didn't know it would come in this form.
Me: How?
God: Meet with me every day, and let me show you how much I care.
This week has been about seeking the Lord, and finding His Love. Everywhere I turn, He is reminding me of how much He loves me. He brought the Israelites out of Egypt, "simply because He loved them" (Deut 7:8). Nothing can separate me from the Love of Christ (Romans 8:35). I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with loving-kindness. (Jer 31:3).
I'm heading to the commissary now, and I plan to listen to my new iPod playlist which I've entitled The Love of God. I can't wait...
Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call Please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you And I, I love you And I want you to know That I, I'll love you
- Tenth Avenue North, By Your Side from the album Over and Underneath
A few days I ago I was in a 'mood.' I was cleaning out the car and actually expecting all four children to help me AND stay out of trouble (not to mention out of the street) at the same time. Silly Mommy.
Anyway, as I was moving the car to the carport, the refrain of a song was playing over and over again. (see above) It all ended just as I got the car in place, and I thought, "OK God. I hear you. I'll stop fighting Your hands that are holding me. But really, ARE you holding me? I feel so out of control."
My poor attitude didn't stop God from whispering in my ear later in the week. I was at the grocery store alone(!) yesterday, because a dear friend offered to watch all four children. I took my iPod, popped in my headphones, and rocked out to Bebo Norman for the entire trip around the store. (You can only imagine the sight) It only took two songs for me to know that God was talking again:
Take these hands and lift them up For I have not the strength to praise you near enough I have nothing, I have nothing without you...
Take my time here on this earth And let it glorify all that you are worth For I am nothing, I am nothing without you
- Bebo Norman, Nothing Without You from the Album: Try
The line that got me was, "and let it glorify all that you are worth." It's easy to wonder, "why?" Why did Jeff get tagged with this deployment? Why do I have to do this all alone for six months? Why does it have to be so hard, sometimes? But God reminded me that it is all for His glory. Whatever I do. Whatever I say. However I respond to unexpected events. Take my time here on this earth, and let it glorify all that You are worth, Lord.
I used to say that I would gladly die today, if it meant that, as a result, my Dad (my earthly father) would come to know Jesus and be loved by his Savior. So what is the difference? Will I gladly embrace this deployment, if it meant that, as a result, my heavenly Father would be glorified?
Trust in me in your times of trouble and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory.
- God, Psalm 50:15 from His love letter: The Bible
The conversation with my God ended this morning in a quiet moment of reflection and listening to Bebo once again:
I want to hide in you The way, the life, the truth So I can disappear And love is all there is to see Coming out of me And you become clear As I disappear
- Bebo Norman, Disappear from the Album: Try
Lord, help me hide in You. Help me disappear, so Love is all there is to see coming out of me.
On this night, THE night that Jeff leaves for Afghanistan, it's a struggle not to dwell in the heartache of saying goodbye. And yet my God is a God of promises. He hasn't promised to bring Jeff home. He hasn't promised to make it easy. But He has promised to go with me. To lead me. To love me. And to remind me of the plans he has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a future and a hope. I know my hope should be in the Lord, and not in the day that Jeff returns. Please pray for me to trust in Him alone.
Hormones. If I could rid myself of one thing in this world, it would not be my propensity to sin. It would be hormones! Yesterday, they were running rampant and I was struggling to see clearly through them. I literally called Sam over to correct him for some childish "boy" thing he was doing to his sisters, and by the time I got him in front of me to talk, the only thing that I could say was, "I have nothing reasonable or wise to say to you." And I just got up and left. Hormones.
So I sat down with my Moe's burrito that night and started writing all the things that I knew to be true, despite what the hormones were falsely leading me to believe. The thoughts went something like this:
The Truth will set me free. So what is Truth?
I have a God who loves me
He has a plan for my life. A plan to give me a hope (!) and future
He is with me - lo He will be with me 'till the end of days
He is holding onto me (not the other way around). Why don't I just rest, and stop trying to wiggle free?
Later that night, God put the exclamation mark on this conversation by having someone read 2 Cor 12:9-10 to me:
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness...For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Rest in my weakness. Watch the Lord work out His strength. Oh Lord, help my unbelief.
p.s. Sarah wanted to show off her special hairdo...and Sam wanted to show off his special creation.
